They say the biggest battlefield we face is the one in our minds. My mind sure has been full of emotional battle scenes during the past month. Anger warring with happiness, patience fighting to overcome impatience, anxiety trying to stifle peace, the desire for justice trying to overcome grace. The battles have been fierce and sometimes unpredictable. And sometimes, I’ve thought a battle was won and over, just to have a skirmish sneak up on me the next day. For a peace-loving, conflict-avoiding gal like me, this dwelling in the midst of a battlefield has been quite an exhausting trial.
I’ve been frustrated with God, frustrated with the truck, frustrated with the company, frustrated with my husband for not being as frustrated as me (!), frustrated with myself. Why is the process taking so long? Why isn’t it going much like we hoped? Why does Jon have to spend so many hours working on it when we paid someone else to do this? Why can’t we just make plans for our next ministry projects and get on with it? What is the purpose in all this waiting? Why can’t I handle this with more grace? Why do I worry about how in the world we’re going to pay for all this? Do our supporters wonder what’s taking us so long? Is this crazy dream for a ministry too crazy to do? If we’re really following the dream God gave us, why isn’t it working out very well?
Of course, in all my mental and emotional battling, I seem to forget so many things. Like the many ways God has confirmed this dream throughout the last few years. How God’s not on the same tight schedule we always seem to think we need to operate on. The fact that this life is not all about us and that other people can be taught and can grow through this experience. And why in the world would I think that following God’s plan for our lives means everything will fall into place easily and painlessly? Where is the Biblical backing for that fallacy in my thinking?? Why do I so easily buy into the cultural lie that doing the thing I’m supposed to do will be all easy sailing and that struggles and trials are a sign that I’m off track?
A few weeks ago, I was wallowing in the “woe is me” swamp. I was caught up in the injustice of it all and struggling with doubts that any of this even makes any sense. I was losing confidence in the dream God gave us, thus losing confidence in Him. But, like the good and caring God that He has proven to be repeatedly, God spoke to my heart in such a special way.
I pity-partied myself right into church on Sunday, feeling alone and unnoticed. And the sermon was about God-given dreams. Of course. And didn’t I need that reminder that God-sized dreams for His followers are wonderful? And hazardous. Full of blessings and struggle. But, in the end, the wonder and the blessings out-weigh the hazards and struggles. Truths I knew. Truths I’ve spoken aloud to others. But truths that I so needed to be reminded of- right then!
Of course, being the stubborn gal that I am, my attitude wasn’t instantly changed with the flip of a switch. But we left church with me mulling over the Scriptures read, the truths spoken, the challenge ringing in my ears. I chewed on the words and let the truth slowly trickle down into the wounds of my heart. And as I stole a few minutes away from my family to do a bit of shopping, God sealed the deal for me.
The top of my shopping list carried the letters- P. J. See, it’s winter in South Africa and we’ve been stuck here far longer than we expected to be and we do not have much in the way of warm clothes. It’s been cold. We’ve been cold. And I was sick of it and don’t you know my “woe is me” was a cold one because I could add being ill-prepared for the climate to my list of complaints! So, I had determined to just buy myself some slightly warmer pajamas and be done with it already! Why suffer needlessly in a thin tank top? Of course, finding PJs I like has proven to be no easy task, so I did dread this shopping trip. But I turned the corner into the sleepwear section and the first PJs I saw were these.
Cute style that suits me. Colors I like. Cover my shoulders, without being too warm for the climate we expect to spend more time in. But the words. Any other day, I might have seen the words as one of those fluffy sayings that show up on memes and Pinterest all the time. But that day, I knew God spoke through pajamas. He knows the battlefield of the mind is often at its most heated during the dark of the night. Now I can ‘gird my loins’ appropriately. He helped me find my courage and retighten my grip on truth. From the comfort of my pajamas.